The second-quarter curriculum for September 30:
--Bobby shows up in time to weigh in on developments in fantasy football, including his team having another disappointing week. The two start off with a possible nominee for early Fantasy MVP.
--Traditionally dominant fantasy defenses get examined to see exactly why they're getting lit up.
--The Titans' early-season start gets a little scrutiny and some wonderment over why exactly everyone's surprised. Back on the fantasy tip, Scott and Bobby weigh whether it's time to give up on Chris Johnson.
--In Whodaman, Bobby coins a word that we don't hear nearly often enough. Scott honors guys who did something that doesn't happen nearly EVER.
The fourth-quarter curriculum for March 11:
--CBS Sports basketball blogger Matt Norlander checks in with 4QR from the Big East Tournament. He begins by waxing rhapsodic about Kemba Walker's buzzer-beater and the Big East's final four. He's not so keen, however, on Kemba's chances of strapping the Huskies to his back and driving them to Houston.
--Matt was in the arena for Refgate, and gives his perspective of when and how the story really exploded.
--Matt has a rough time picking a potential upset victim among projected top-four regional seeds, but he finally comes up with a compelling answer.
--Duke v. UNC: who's more likely to make the Final Four? Matt provides an answer to that one, as well.
--Matt throws out rationale for why Wisconsin may be as dangerous as anyone in America.
--The words "show cause" and "Bruce Pearl" get mentioned in the same sentence, undoubtedly dismaying Logan, wherever he may be.
--In the Epic Fails, the Miami Heat once again get a great deal of attention. Drew wonders what his favorite NFL player is thinking about with his offseason plans. Scott notes that the NCAA's justice is highly selective, and also that some guys need to learn when time is up.
Excised music: "This is Why We Fight" by The Decemberists.
In the second half of May 24's festivities, the 4QR guys start off with some NBA Draft projections, including the name with whom Scott compares Evan Turner and whether there's any chance someone not named John Wall goes No. 1. In the NFL, three Colts fans weigh in on whether Chris Johnson needs to get paid. The results may surprise you. A centerfield tantrum and some goofy cartoon characters highlight the Epic Fails. Excised music: "Pieces" by It's Alive and "Mary Jane's Last Breakdown" by Keller & the Keels.
Usually, when a future Hall of Famer talks, today's players listen. (As opposed to when current Hall of Famers talk, in which case they get pissed and raise hell.)
In this case, we know Chris Johnson was listening when Marshall Faulk blessed his current tactic of skipping OTA's to agitate for a new contract.
Faulk said, "Chris has outplayed his rookie deal. He has beyond exceeded the expectation where he was drafted...after you play and prove your worth you are then paid as to how you play. He has exceeded the money he is making, the Titans know it and everyone in the league knows it."
None of this is off the mark. When you rush for over 3200 yards in two seasons while only making about $385,000 (ever notice that only in sports and politics can we say "only $385,000"?) your team has just gotten the bargain of the century. The Titans appreciate that, I'm sure.
Johnson's problem is bad timing. The NFL's uncertain labor situation has made it difficult to commit large sums of cash in the long term, especially to a 195-pound player who plays the most collision-prone non-line position on the field.
The Titans have some serious grounds to be cautious. Look at some of the other two-hit wonders (the music industry's big in Nashville, don'tcha know) that grace the NFL record books.
James Wilder: 2800 yards in '84 and '85, then injury and oblivion thereafter.
Joe Morris: 2800 yards and 35 TD's in '85 and '86, then a 1000-yard curtain call in '88 before somehow disappearing for three years and resurfacing in Cleveland in '91.
Larry Johnson: 3500 yards and 37 TD's in '05 and '06, now hanging onto NFL employment by his toenails. This season, Larry's joining the NFL's answer to the Power Station (speaking of our two-hit wonders) in the retread-laden backfield in Washington. My money's on Larry to be Robert Palmer since, given Portis's tendency to rock funny costumes, he'd fit better as one of the Taylor brothers there on the right.
But, I digress. Above all, the Titans have to be absolutely terrified of CJ repeating the Terrell Davis Scenario: 2000-yard season followed by catastrophic injury.
To CJ's credit, his original request to be "the highest paid offensive player in the league" included the caveat "besides the quarterback." This was smart. If a guy two years into the league wanted to be paid more than Peyton Manning or even Tom Brady (whose salary last year was less than 60% of Manning's), he'd be laughed out of the room, no matter how good those two seasons were. To continue the metaphor, it'd be like the Knack wanting to make more money than the Beatles.
But highest-paid running back in the league? Why not?
Apparently, the "30% rule" is why not. With this uncapped year, renegotiated contracts can only raise the base salary by 30 percent, which would put him just over $700K next season. Not the kind of hike he's hoping for, but if he gets $50 million, over $40M of that would have to be guaranteed. That kind of scale is a dangerous precedent for any team to set, and one that could bankrupt franchises if it became standard practice. Just imagine the Colts guaranteeing 80 to 90 percent of Peyton's next contract, then watching him suffer a career-ending injury.
There has to be a middle ground somewhere. I would hope that there's no NFL rule prohibiting the Titans from inserting a bonus clause that will allow them to cut Chris a check for, say, $6 or 7 million the moment he shows up for the opening game. There needs to be a gesture of good faith that shows the Titans' appreciation for CJ's rare season, while still reminding Chris of the shaky economic realities that the league faces today. Once a new CBA is in place and everyone understands the salary rules beyond this year, by all means, paydaman.
As a Colts fan, I realize that it's in my best interest for the Titans to stonewall Johnson and piss him off to the point that he stages a lengthy holdout. However, as a football fan, I can't go that route. I enjoy watching Johnson play the game too much to allow him to vacate the stage that easily.
(And no, this has nothing to do with the multiple fantasy leagues he's helped me win over the past two seasons.
Being married to a woman who just about drools holiday spirit when she sleeps, it's hard to resist the siren call of Christmas festivity, and I've done well so far.
Until now.
I have a free-floating anger complex that's provoked whenever I hear Christmas music, primarily due to having it crammed down my ears throughout every December of a 10-year retail career. And so, what do I do to combat this uncontrollable, blinding rage?
Um...I spoof a Christmas song with sports-oriented lyrics? Yeah, this'll end well.
All that aside, 2009's been a busy year, both for me personally and for ye olde sports industry. And while I'd love to bore everyone senseless with a tune about my year of job-hopping, college-starting, and braces-buying, it might be a bit more fun to bore my readers (both of them) with a song about the year in sports.
So, I offer this: "The 12 Days of Sportsmas." Enjoy. Or don't. Whichever.
*blows tuning note on harmonica* Oh, by the way, we're going straight to Day 12, because I'm sure no one wants to read me repeating Days 1-11 multiple times to get to the end. Lord knows I'm not interested in typing all of it over and over again. Ahem...
*blows another tuning note on harmonica*
On the Twelfth Day of Sportsmas, ESPN (say it like "Espen") gave to me...
12 Nets a-losing: The New Jersey Nets broke a record by starting the season 0-18. Since then, they've "improved" to 2-24. At the rate they're both going, Kobe Bryant will end the season with more game-winning buzzer-beaters than the Nets will total wins. Anyone want to take that wager?
11 CJ touchdowns: I made fun of Tim in the 3FL for passing on Chris Johnson to take Clinton Portis. Meanwhile, my first pick was Steve "Fumbleupagus" Slaton. Yeah, Tim's the kettle and I'm the pot. He's not in the playoffs, and I might not be for long. Oh, yeah, and CJ's sort of the truth.
10 weeks a holdout: Al Davis wasn't even content to screw up business for his own team, he had to go and jack things up for his Bay Area neighbors, the 49ers. Davis taking Darrius ("1 Second of 40 Time for Every Reception") Heyward-Bey instead of Michael ("Whaddaya Mean Mel Kiper Doesn't Sign My Paycheck?") Crabtree launched the biggest NFL rookie soap-opera since...well, since Al's last retarded high draft pick.
9 trades for Q-Rich: Okay, so Quentin Richardson wasn't traded nine times this year, per se...but over the course of his career (and the three years preceding it), either he or the pick with which he was eventually selected have been traded NINE TIMES. (Give it your best Ed Rooney from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" voice.) Note that four of those trades came this offseason, and within a SIX-WEEK span. His luggage didn't even have time to get re-routed to some of his destinations before he was dealt again. Next time you feel unwanted at work, just think about this poor bastard.
8 golfer's bimbos: Oh, yeah, Tiger Woods made a lot of "friends" over the last decade or so. (Allegedly.) Take a little quiz and see how Tiger's harem stack up to other famed historical mistresses. And if you're so inclined, listen to a very complimentary porn star who had a good time at his bachelor party. (Allegedly.)
7 points a-missing: Oh, but for one more touchdown (okay, and PAT) per game, Purdue could have been playing on New Year's Eve Eve or something. Hopefully, the football team's used up enough bad karma that the basketball team can cruise to Indy in April.
6 coaches circling: There are six NFL coaches who may or may not want to get back into the league, and they've got the bling to ensure that any owner with half a working brain (and maybe even Al Davis and Dan Snyder, too) will want to have them on speed dial. Brian Billick, Bill Cowher, Mike Shanahan, Jon Gruden, Mike Holmgren, and Tony Dungy will keep hearing questions about their futures as long as they want to, because they're all sure to be getting plenty of offers. Apparently, somealreadyhave. (Okay, one of those is a serious reach.)
FIVE-FINGERED GOALS!!!!!!
Last time I saw a hand fondle a ball so blatantly, it was Al Bundy sticking his hand down his trousers for the last time on "Married With Children."
4-team trades: And this isn't including the three or four other moneybags teams that were supposed to be banging on the Toronto Blue Jays' door with signs that said, "Rape me." If Roy Halladay blows out his elbow in May, Philadelphia will burn. Especially if Kyle Drabek turns out to be better than his dad.
3 shafted schools: TCU and Boise State scared the BCS Mafia so badly that they essentially got shoved into the closet against each other and told, "Don't come out until one of you is dead...or until the Big Ten picks its 12th team." Don't cry to Cincinnati, though...the Mafia's already helping Notre Dame get back into their guaranteed seat by shafting the Bearcats out of a shot at the national title, and thereby their coach. Even UC can't complain TOO much, though...this is the second time Cincy's poached its replacement from Central Michigan.
2 perfect teams: I would mortgage all three of my fantasy football leagues (and may have done so in one, after Dallas Clark caught two scores last night) AND Adam and Amanda's unborn child Roman (just something Adam's been kicking around the office) to see the 16-0 Colts against the 16-0 Saints (led by Purdue's Finest himself) in Super Bowl XLIV. And for the perfect halftime show, the remaining members of the '72 Dolphins (including the last Purdue QB to win a Super Bowl, Mr. Taco himself) can line up at the 50-yard line and shoot themselves.
AND A JUMBOTRON BIGGER THAN YOUR HOUSE....
Thanks for the overcompensation, Jerry. Nobody wants to watch Tony Romo screw up in regular definition...especially since they're paying $95 just to be in the very upper-right pixel of this photo. By God, we should be able to see Tony's mascara running as he cries all the way to whatever blonde he's hooked up with that month.
So, to summarize...and feel free to sing along:
On the 12th Day of Sportsmas, ESPN gave to me: 12 Nets a-losing, 11 CJ touchdowns, 10 weeks a holdout, 9 trades for Q-Rich, 8 golfer's bimbos, 7 points a-missing, 6 coaches circling, FIVE-FINGERED GOALS! 4-team trades, 3 shafted schools, 2 perfect teams, AND A JUMBOTRON BIGGER THAN YOUR HOUSE!!!!!!
(Ding.)
(Come on, that was way better than those weak-sauce Best Buy ads.)
Welcome to Starr*Rated, a small oasis of sporting knowledge that gives the Web another purpose, aside from looking at pornography and insulting each other anonymously.
I'm RSH, your party host, and you can catch me on 4 Quarters Radio, broadcast on WMTS 88.3 FM (Murfreesboro, Tenn.) every Wednesday from 6-8 PM Central time. For a link to the broadcast, just look right below this line.
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