A marriage proposal should carry a large romance quotient. At the very minimum, a nice dinner should be involved, some candlelight, being in the same room…you know, the basics.
Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Roy Williams dispensed with all of that foolishness, deciding that nothing says romance like a U.S. Postal Service Express Mail box containing a $76,000 ring and a DVD. The recipient, former Miss Texas Brooke Daniels, was strangely unmoved by a proposal from a man who couldn’t even make the trip in person to deliver the ring.
It’s understandable to be nervous about a proposal. Men worldwide struggle to get the words out, fumble the ring, sweat through their suits, etc. That’s part of the secret for having one accepted. Even if a woman is iffy about spending her life with you, she may give you credit for getting through the proposal without vomiting on her shoes.
Sending a video of yourself in your comfortable gear in your comfortable home takes all the daring out of a proposal and makes it reek of selfishness. If a man won’t make a woman feel like she’s worth the discomfort of dropping to a knee and spitting the words out, she’ll forever wonder, “What am I worth to him, exactly?”
Roy Williams’ last several years have been based around taking the easy way out. He tried to convince everyone that he was still the Cowboys’ No. 1 receiver three games into the explosive Miles Austin era. His 2010 season ended with five catches in his last four games, and his response was, "I was the go-to guy in Detroit…coordinators can make who they want to make the star."
Everything is someone else’s fault. In Roy’s mind, Daniels probably refused the proposal because the mailman slipped her his phone number. Either way, he now feels the need to press legal action to get the ring back. All the legal fees could have been saved if he’d ensured that the ring never left his possession in the first place.
Learn a lesson from Uncle Roy, kids. No “how Daddy/Grandpa proposed” story should ever include the words “postage due.”
The fourth-quarter curriculum for November 11:
--The NFL conversation has to start in Dallas, with the Cowboys' first-ever midseason coaching change. Questions remain on whether the Cowboys are too far gone already and whether or not Jerry Jones is the problem. Los Guys also ponder which of the potential candidates they would hire if they were Jerry.
--Chad Ochocinco's issues are discussed, and the question is raised regarding whether or not Chad should be moved along.
--Another game of Medal Stand kicks off, and the topic for the week is which quarterbacks are doing the best jobs this season. Along the way, Scott explains why his picks are not rampant homerism, and also explains his uncanny ability to make players huge by NOT adding them to his fantasy team.
--An NFL linebacker displays a complete lack of historical knowledge, but a stunning grasp of Kevin Smith's film catalog.
--UFC 122 picks come from the MMA Authority. He doesn't flip a coin, but he may as well.
--In the Epic Fails, Bobby and Scott both throw more dirt on coaches' corpses, the difference being that Scott pulls out somebody new. Also, the Cowboys' website team falls asleep at the wheel.
The third-quarter curriculum for November 4:
--Temporarily alone in the studio, Scott pontificates on where the responsibility lies in the Randy Moss-Minnesota Vikings divorce.
--Once Bobby arrives, he unloads with both barrels on Moss, giving a frank appraisal of what he'll do for the Titans. (Hint: not much.) The guys then ponder his motivation to be a good soldier or a pain in the ass for the rest of this year.
--Scott breaks out the Olympic theme and the guys play a rousing game of Medal Stand, ranking the NFL coaches most likely to be canned this season. Bobby even throws out a write-in candidate.
--The crack 4Q research staff comes up with a Top 5 list in honor of the reasons Mike Shanahan really benched Donovan McNabb. Baked goods are involved.
Excised music: "Hot-N-Fun" by N.E.R.D. feat. Nelly Furtado.
The fourth-quarter curriculum for October 28:
--Among NFL quarterbacks, the guys divide them into old, crippled and stupid.
--The Old: Brett Favre continues to flex his supreme authority in Minnesota, and the crew ponders whether Brad Childress has the balls to take it away from him.
--The Crippled: The fellas decide if the Cowboys will win any games with Jon Kitna as quarterback.
--The Stupid: Jay Cutler decides that four interceptions wasn't enough to throw to DeAngelo Hall. Even Scott's patience seems to wear thin with Cutler's retarded stubbornness.
--In the Epic Fails, Bobby has to make fun of a dancing white man...albeit a very large dancing white man. Dylan's not a fan of the new LeBron James commercial, while Logan's not a fan of old, crippled douchenozzle quarterbacks. Scott, for his part, wonders how some people get hired as ESPN announcers when he can't.
The third-quarter curriculum for October 14:
--Scott bums out for a moment regarding the Braves' elimination from the playoffs, even though he did predict it as such. He continues with his previous choices of the Rangers and Phillies in the Fall Classic.
--Bobby throws down his latest round of picks for the UFC's English pay-per-view. "The MMA Authority" even lets fate decide, even resorting to a coin toss on one pick. Kinda renders the name ironic, dunnit?
--Scott registers his annoyance with Bobby for a tremendous comeback win in the 4Q fantasy league. Malcom Floyd gets a big raised middle finger.
--The guys offer their predictions for which Toilet Bowl participant (Dallas/Minnesota) is more likely done with a loss. Scott also advances the theory that Grampa Favre is done already.
Excised music: "One Nation Under a Groove" by Funkadelic. (Epic Fail for Amazon for not having the original available for download.)
The second-quarter curriculum for October 14:
--Scott and Logan talk to Nate Thurston, bass player for Nashville-area power-pop band Darling Parade. Starting off, Nate struggles to try and describe the band's sound, so that line of questioning gets altered quickly.
--Scott plays Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, tying the band's name back to Prince. Since, after all, everything in music can find its way back to Prince eventually.
--Logan can't wait to start hammering on the Cowboys, and Nate's at as much of a loss as anyone. As hardcore as he is, he even admits to missing an upcoming show to see a game live.
--Scott tees it up for Nate to plug a Halloween show at Rocketown. The band is forced to ponder a group costume, and Scott throws out an idea. No word yet on whether they followed the suggestion.
--Logan's all about giving props to the NFL in Whodaman, showing love to one of Scott's teams. Scott throws out a triple Whodaman, giving respect to a retiring legend, a new member of the Tough SOB Club, and a woman with the patience of Job.
Excised music: "Kiss" by Tom Jones w/ Art of Noise.
The fourth-quarter curriculum for September 16:
--Finally, some NFL talk. Scott and Bobby play Medal Stand and name their three Tops and Flops of Week 1. A perfect name for Arian Foster's fan club is suggested.
--The Ines Sainz situation gets a once-over, and as usual, Scott's got a somewhat radical solution. Clinton Portis guest stars.
--Also brought under the Professor's microscope is the TD catch that wasn't for Calvin Johnson. Scott explains why the rule was interpreted well and there's no making exceptions for a gifted receiver like Megatron.
--The Epic Fails feature a lineman who needs to transition into another sport, and Scott also adds a little extra kick for Porcelain Bob.
Bit of a late start to the second half of the May 4 episode, as we come in midstream on a comparison of a Roethlisberger and a Mettenberger. Scott, Trent, and Joseph move on to some baseball, pondering which of three washed-up Hall of Famers they'd keep and whether they'd rather close baseball games or kick field goals for a living. In the fourth, the guys talk Dez Bryant's mom and some alleged bad mojo ruining the Saints' feel-good story. Kids and beer figure in the Epic Fails, and yes, in the same story. Excised music: "Trick Pony" by Charlotte Gainsbourg and "Moves" by the New Pornographers.
Yesterday evening, the wife was reading, nothing was on TV, and I had a little spare time on my hands. So, to prepare for another season of fantasy football, I hit up ESPN.com for a mock draft session. Don't judge, I won two leagues last year with this method.
We get into the draft room, it's all full, the first several picks go without incident, although there's mild surprise registered when Larry Fitz goes #6 and Drew Brees gets tagged at #7. Then, some joker decides to grab Tony Romo at #9, and you'd swear someone just farted in church.
One guy, Jason Wade by name, is particularly indignant, but sticks around. We're mildly curious when the same guy who picked Romo takes Marion Barber in the second round.
Then, he goes with Felix Jones in the third, #33 overall. Felix is usually going in the 90's. We're now sensing a pattern.
Fourth round, and it's confirmed: our draft's been trolled. Thank you, Jason Dull, for being a retarded Cowboys homer.
Sam Hurd is the fourth-round pick, and Wade goes ballistic. He posts something to the effect of "Thanks for wasting my time, assholes," and leaves.
First off, to quote Allen Iverson, we're talkin' 'bout practice, man.
Some schmuck drafting Tony Romo #9 in a mock has nothing to do with the way I'm going to win my league again this year. (Yeah, I said it.)
Sam Hurd being a fourth-round pick, what does it do? It throws off other players' draft positions by a spot or two. Big deal. Do another mock and those players that went after Hurd will go higher next time, and it will all even out on your sheets.
And yes, players are doing several mocks these days and keeping sheets of who goes where. Once again, don't judge. If you check multiple websites to comparison shop for a TV, you're doing the same thing.
But back to the point. In the grand scheme of things, this mock means absolutely nothing. None of these mocks mean anything, they're just practice.
Practice.
Practice.
Sorry. It's hard to stop.
See, if you're even a big enough football fan to want to own a virtual team, it's highly likely that you're a homer for somebody, too. In my family league, I'm surrounded by people who know their shit, thanks to me getting them into the game five years ago.
But, we're pretty much all big Colts fans, I and another guy are big on the Bears, and we also have lifelong Eagle and Redskin fans in the league. Even with that in mind, though, we're all conscious not to overstep for our favorite team's players just because of the team they play on. Sure, Jon the Redskin Fan drafted Mike Sellers a couple of years ago, but that was 14th round, not 4th. It was a throw-away pick, and he treated it as such.
Jason the Eagle Fan seems to somehow always end up with Donovan McNabb and/or Brian Westbrook on his team, but he drafts them in positions that make sense. Coincidentally, he often gets out to fantastic starts, with McNabb and Westbrook occasionally winning games all by themselves. Then, one or both of the two takes his annual three-to-six-game injury sabbatical, at which point Jay's season usually heads straight into the toilet. Such is life.
We do know, however, that someone in our league is going to go with Peyton Manning in the first round. Whether it's because he can't find anyone else to draft (*coughBillcough*) or because he wants to try to trade him for half someone else's team (*coughJustincough*), Peyton goes higher in our league.
Just like around Chicago, Jay Cutler may be drafted in the fourth instead of the seventh.
Just like around Oakland, JaMarcus Russell might be drafted...um...anywhere.
It's just a fact of life. The rest of us simply smile, knowing that when our pick rolls around, there'll be another receiver or running back there that we didn't expect to see.
And that may be the way to approach a mock.
I chose to be amused by the homer queuing up his entire favorite team before logging off. And that includes the defense fifth and Nick Folk #6. For the record, though, he did manage to make it to the last two rounds before Miles Austin and Tashard Choice got picked for him. Admirable self-control.
But no Marty B? For shame, Jason Dull. What kind of retarded Cowboy homer are you? Mr. Jerry is highly disappointed in you.
And as for Jason Wade, he needs to do two things.
One, grow up. You were doing the mock for a reason, and some goober throwing out stupid picks doesn't do all that much to throw you off, so get over yourself.
And two, get down on your knees and pray to God tonight that you run into someone this dumb in your actual leagues. Easy wins are hard to come by, so take 'em where you find 'em.
We're not curing cancer or writing the Great American Novel here. We're pretending to draft pretend teams of football players so we can brag to our friends that we know more about football than they do.
Are you the kind of kid who throws the board against the wall when you're losing at chess? If not, then learn to act like it. It's a game. Treat it like one, not like war. Less stress that way.
Welcome to Starr*Rated, a small oasis of sporting knowledge that gives the Web another purpose, aside from looking at pornography and insulting each other anonymously.
I'm RSH, your party host, and you can catch me on 4 Quarters Radio, broadcast on WMTS 88.3 FM (Murfreesboro, Tenn.) every Wednesday from 6-8 PM Central time. For a link to the broadcast, just look right below this line.
Give us a like on Facebook and a follow on Twitter, and it may at some point be worth your while.
To give back to the cause, scroll to the bottom and have a look through the 4Q Music Archive on Amazon. Or just click this link. Easy.
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