Friday, December 18, 2009

The 12 Days of Sportsmas

Being married to a woman who just about drools holiday spirit when she sleeps, it's hard to resist the siren call of Christmas festivity, and I've done well so far.

Until now.

I have a free-floating anger complex that's provoked whenever I hear Christmas music, primarily due to having it crammed down my ears throughout every December of a 10-year retail career. And so, what do I do to combat this uncontrollable, blinding rage?

Um...I spoof a Christmas song with sports-oriented lyrics? Yeah, this'll end well.

All that aside, 2009's been a busy year, both for me personally and for ye olde sports industry. And while I'd love to bore everyone senseless with a tune about my year of job-hopping, college-starting, and braces-buying, it might be a bit more fun to bore my readers (both of them) with a song about the year in sports.

So, I offer this: "The 12 Days of Sportsmas." Enjoy. Or don't. Whichever.

*blows tuning note on harmonica* Oh, by the way, we're going straight to Day 12, because I'm sure no one wants to read me repeating Days 1-11 multiple times to get to the end. Lord knows I'm not interested in typing all of it over and over again. Ahem...

*blows another tuning note on harmonica*

On the Twelfth Day of Sportsmas, ESPN (say it like "Espen") gave to me...

12 Nets a-losing: The New Jersey Nets broke a record by starting the season 0-18. Since then, they've "improved" to 2-24. At the rate they're both going, Kobe Bryant will end the season with more game-winning buzzer-beaters than the Nets will total wins. Anyone want to take that wager?

11 CJ touchdowns: I made fun of Tim in the 3FL for passing on Chris Johnson to take Clinton Portis. Meanwhile, my first pick was Steve "Fumbleupagus" Slaton. Yeah, Tim's the kettle and I'm the pot. He's not in the playoffs, and I might not be for long. Oh, yeah, and CJ's sort of the truth.

10 weeks a holdout: Al Davis wasn't even content to screw up business for his own team, he had to go and jack things up for his Bay Area neighbors, the 49ers. Davis taking Darrius ("1 Second of 40 Time for Every Reception") Heyward-Bey instead of Michael ("Whaddaya Mean Mel Kiper Doesn't Sign My Paycheck?") Crabtree launched the biggest NFL rookie soap-opera since...well, since Al's last retarded high draft pick.

9 trades for Q-Rich: Okay, so Quentin Richardson wasn't traded nine times this year, per se...but over the course of his career (and the three years preceding it), either he or the pick with which he was eventually selected have been traded NINE TIMES. (Give it your best Ed Rooney from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" voice.) Note that four of those trades came this offseason, and within a SIX-WEEK span. His luggage didn't even have time to get re-routed to some of his destinations before he was dealt again. Next time you feel unwanted at work, just think about this poor bastard.

8 golfer's bimbos: Oh, yeah, Tiger Woods made a lot of "friends" over the last decade or so. (Allegedly.) Take a little quiz and see how Tiger's harem stack up to other famed historical mistresses. And if you're so inclined, listen to a very complimentary porn star who had a good time at his bachelor party. (Allegedly.)

7 points a-missing: Oh, but for one more touchdown (okay, and PAT) per game, Purdue could have been playing on New Year's Eve Eve or something. Hopefully, the football team's used up enough bad karma that the basketball team can cruise to Indy in April.

6 coaches circling: There are six NFL coaches who may or may not want to get back into the league, and they've got the bling to ensure that any owner with half a working brain (and maybe even Al Davis and Dan Snyder, too) will want to have them on speed dial. Brian Billick, Bill Cowher, Mike Shanahan, Jon Gruden, Mike Holmgren, and Tony Dungy will keep hearing questions about their futures as long as they want to, because they're all sure to be getting plenty of offers. Apparently, some already have. (Okay, one of those is a serious reach.)


Last time I saw a hand fondle a ball so blatantly, it was Al Bundy sticking his hand down his trousers for the last time on "Married With Children."

4-team trades: And this isn't including the three or four other moneybags teams that were supposed to be banging on the Toronto Blue Jays' door with signs that said, "Rape me." If Roy Halladay blows out his elbow in May, Philadelphia will burn. Especially if Kyle Drabek turns out to be better than his dad.

3 shafted schools: TCU and Boise State scared the BCS Mafia so badly that they essentially got shoved into the closet against each other and told, "Don't come out until one of you is dead...or until the Big Ten picks its 12th team." Don't cry to Cincinnati, though...the Mafia's already helping Notre Dame get back into their guaranteed seat by shafting the Bearcats out of a shot at the national title, and thereby their coach. Even UC can't complain TOO much, though...this is the second time Cincy's poached its replacement from Central Michigan.

2 perfect teams: I would mortgage all three of my fantasy football leagues (and may have done so in one, after Dallas Clark caught two scores last night) AND Adam and Amanda's unborn child Roman (just something Adam's been kicking around the office) to see the 16-0 Colts against the 16-0 Saints (led by Purdue's Finest himself) in Super Bowl XLIV. And for the perfect halftime show, the remaining members of the '72 Dolphins (including the last Purdue QB to win a Super Bowl, Mr. Taco himself) can line up at the 50-yard line and shoot themselves.


Thanks for the overcompensation, Jerry. Nobody wants to watch Tony Romo screw up in regular definition...especially since they're paying $95 just to be in the very upper-right pixel of this photo. By God, we should be able to see Tony's mascara running as he cries all the way to whatever blonde he's hooked up with that month.

So, to summarize...and feel free to sing along:

On the 12th Day of Sportsmas, ESPN gave to me:
12 Nets a-losing,

11 CJ touchdowns,
10 weeks a holdout,
9 trades for Q-Rich,
8 golfer's bimbos,

7 points a-missing,

6 coaches circling,
4-team trades,
3 shafted schools,
2 perfect teams,


(Come on, that was way better than those weak-sauce Best Buy ads.)


  1. That thumbs up facebook guyDecember 18, 2009 at 10:16 PM

    Three shafted schools indeed. You know my stance on that.

    Very good work ... minus one little thing. Brees isn't Purdue's finest. He's TEXAS' FINEST SUCKA ! ! ! ! !

  2. But Texas has a whole lot of other "finests." Purdue Robinson, Mike Alstott,, Texas can share the wealth on this one.

  3. That thumbs up facebook guyDecember 22, 2009 at 8:30 PM

    LOL .... I'll trade you Brees for Alstott